One of the most insidious forms of abuse I endured was financial manipulation. At first, it didn’t seem like abuse. He painted himself as someone who needed a little help—a temporary boost—and because I loved him, I wanted to be there for him. What I didn’t realise was that this was part of a larger pattern of exploitation, one designed to drain me emotionally, physically, and financially.
The Reality of Financial Abuse
He would often talk about his big plans for the future, making me feel like an investor in our shared dreams. Yet, time and time again, I was the one expected to foot the bill. He never contributed to the household, yet he lived off my resources. I paid for trips out, meals, holidays, shopping, bills, his clothes and even supported his professional endeavours, such as his radio station. He’d convince me to buy expensive equipment for him, always with the promise of paying me back—a promise he never kept. He would often try to convince me that I was choosing or offering to buy him things and whilst I knew this was a lie, I dared not say so or that would cause an angry flare up, with him threatening to leave or telling me that I did not respect him. This left me feeling guilt ridden that I had hurt his feelings and dented his pride and desperately wanting to show him that I did indeed respect and love him - even though I knew I had not said or done anything wrong.
One incident that stands out vividly captures this pattern of financial and emotional manipulation. He had bought a chain on holiday, but when the clasp broke, he decided to
return to the jewellers to have it repaired. He asked to take my remaining spending money with him (his ran out the day after we arrived), claiming it might be needed for the repair. Of course I should have known it was nonsense; he had only just bought the thing. When he came back, he claimed that the jeweller had charged him all of the spending money for the repair. Of course this wasn’t true. He had secretly used the money to buy jewellery for another woman—someone I didn’t even know existed and had existed the whole year (at that stage) we had been together. I found the jewellery hidden and gave it away without his knowledge. Realising it was missing, he admitted to buying it but again lied, claiming it was a gift for his mother and daughter. In truth, I later found out, he had sent photos of the jewellery to this other woman, proudly telling her he had bought her gifts on his “solo visit to see an old friend” and that he couldn’t wait to return home to give it to her! And still I stayed another 4 years…………
Emotional Manipulation as a Tool of Control
The financial abuse was deeply intertwined with emotional manipulation. He would pick fights over insignificant issues, leaving me in tears or walking on eggshells. After a fight, he’d go silent for days, punishing me with his emotional absence. When he finally spoke, it was often to ask for something—money, favours, trips or gifts. By this point, I would be so desperate for the relationship to return to its earlier, loving phase that I would comply, thinking this might make him happy. It never did.
The Lack of Empathy
Perhaps the most telling aspect of his abuse was his complete lack of empathy. I had evicted him the week before my mother died, because I couldn’t handle his toxicity on top of the pain of my mother’s illness. When she passed, I was broken, yet he offered no support. Instead, he inflicted his rage on me in a way that I was unable to process my grief, while also continuing his cycle of manipulation, selfishness and the greatest triangulation to date, playing other women against me and getting one of them pregnant. Even during my most vulnerable moments, he found ways to make everything about him, dismissing my pain as nothing but a hinderance to his life and telling me that he just needed some attention and I had not provided any for him during my mother's short illness and subsequent death.
Why Women Stay
It took me nearly three more years after my mother’s passing to completely break free. For so long, I felt trapped—not physically, but emotionally and psychologically. The reasons women stay in abusive relationships are complex and multifaceted. Trauma bonding creates a powerful attachment that makes it difficult to leave. Physically, the stress of constant abuse affects the brain, leaving survivors in a state of fight, flight, or freeze. For me, shame also played a role. I couldn’t believe I had allowed myself to be manipulated so deeply, and shame kept me from asking for help sooner. I did not want to hear "I told you so", from my friends and loved ones. I was ashamed that they were proved right and that I had believed and hoped he would change back to the person he had been in those initial weeks.
Breaking the Cycle
A break to the Lake District, which of course I entirely paid for, marked the end of my emotional entanglement. That night, after he picked yet another holiday argument in what felt like his mission to ruin every single break we ever had, I felt something snap inside me and I knew I couldn’t live like this another second. It wasn’t just about financial independence—it was about reclaiming my emotional freedom. I changed my phone number, blocked him on every platform, and committed to no contact. He tried to return, as he always did, but I was resolute. For the first time in years, I chose myself.
The Lessons Learned
Understanding the financial and emotional manipulation I endured helped me make sense of the chaos. Narcissistic abuse isn’t just about cruelty; it’s about control. By taking away your resources and eroding your confidence, abusers ensure their victims feel too powerless to leave. But breaking free is possible. It begins with recognising the patterns, seeking support, and reclaiming your sense of self-worth.
Comments