Understanding Narcissistic Abuse: My Journey and the Basics
Narcissistic abuse is a term that’s gaining recognition, but for those who’ve lived through it, it’s a devastating reality. I know this firsthand because I was in a relationship that left me questioning my worth, my reality, and, at times, my will to go on. It took years of healing and self-discovery to recognise the patterns and dynamics that kept me trapped, and now, as a counsellor specialising in narcissistic abuse, I want to share both my story and the framework that helps make sense of this experience.
What Is Narcissistic Abuse?
Narcissistic abuse occurs in relationships where one partner—often with narcissistic traits or narcissistic personality disorder (NPD)—exploits and manipulates the other. This abuse isn’t always physical; it’s emotional, psychological, financial, and deeply insidious, leaving scars that can take years to heal.
One common misconception is that the abuse is overt or obvious. In reality, it often begins subtly. The abuser creates an illusion of love and care, drawing you in with charm and attentiveness. But over time, their behaviour shifts, and the real damage begins. It’s a slow erosion of your self-esteem, your confidence, and your ability to trust your own perceptions.
The Tactics of Narcissistic Abuse
In my relationship, I experienced many of the hallmark tactics of narcissistic abuse:
Gaslighting: He would deny things he’d said or done, making me doubt my memory and perception of reality.
Silent Treatment: He used silence as a weapon, withholding communication to punish me. It would start without warning. He could be talking to me one moment, and the next, he would withdraw completely, ignoring any attempts I made to reach out or resolve an issue. This silence wasn’t just an absence of communication; it was a calculated move to make me feel insignificant and powerless. I found myself apologising for things I didn’t even understand, desperate to bring the silence to an end and restore some sense of normality.
Triangulation: Other women were constantly involved, creating jealousy and competition to destabilise me. He would talk about ex-partners or other women who admired him, making comparisons that left me feeling inadequate. Sometimes, these women would reach out to me directly, adding to the chaos. He enjoyed watching me react, and the tension gave him a sense of power, knowing he could manipulate multiple people’s emotions simultaneously.
Financial Abuse: He manipulated me into funding his lifestyle while giving nothing in return. It started with small requests—covering a bill here or buying something he needed for his work. But these requests became more frequent and expensive. It always began with the silent treatment. He would stop talking to me for days on end; he wouldn't answer me if I asked a question or bombarded me with verbal abuse if I asked what was wrong. I would be sick from the tension and then out of the blue he would start speaking and it would always because he saw something he wanted and would ask me if I could buy it for him. Relieved that he was talking to me, relieved that the fog of tension in the house was lifted, I "rewarded" him with most of the things he asked for, even when I did not want to or it would put me in financial difficulty. Holidays, new equipment for his "toy" radio station, and the household expenses were all left to me. Despite my sacrifices, he contributed nothing, and if I ever questioned it, he would verbally abuse me, or tell me that I couldn't possibly think highly of him or I would do these things without question. His sense of entitlement to my resources was unrelenting, and I was left financially drained by the time I recognised the pattern and it ended.
The Role of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)
What made the relationship even more damaging was the presence of traits strongly associated with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). These traits include:
Grandiosity: He presented himself as larger-than-life, always emphasising and repeating over and over again, the few "accomplishments" he had made and his importance. In reality, much of it was a facade. He wanted people to believe he was the centre of attention, the leader in every setting, including my own social circles and professional spaces.
Lack of Empathy: One of the most painful aspects was his inability to acknowledge my feelings, particularly during moments of profound vulnerability, such as when my mother passed away. He dismissed my grief as inconvenient and showed no capacity to offer emotional support but instead accused me of not paying him attention. And my lack of attention in those times, sent him into the beds of other women.
Entitlement: He acted as though he deserved my financial resources, my emotional labour, and my constant attention, while giving little in return. It wasn’t a partnership; it was exploitation.
The Psychological Impact
Living in this environment took a toll on my mental health. I began to doubt my own memories and perceptions. Was I overreacting? Had he really said or done that? Was I crazy like he said? Gaslighting left me questioning my reality, while his silent treatments made me feel invisible and unworthy. I became anxious and hyper-vigilant, constantly trying to anticipate his moods and avoid conflict. The stress began to manifest physically—sleepless nights, a racing heart, a knot of tension that never left my stomach, permanent nausea and huge weight loss.
I also experienced cognitive dissonance—the emotional struggle of holding two conflicting realities at once. The charming, attentive man I met at the beginning of the relationship seemed so different from the cold, manipulative person he became. My mind clung to the belief that the kind, loving version of him was real, while his increasing cruelty suggested otherwise. This contradiction created deep confusion and distress, making it harder to accept the painful truth and let go of the hope that he would return to who he once seemed to be.
My Turning Point
The turning point came nearly two years after my mother passed, as I remained trapped in the cyclical pattern of abuse. We went on a trip to the Lake District, where he sat in silence the entire five-hour drive, refusing to speak and leaving me in tense confusion. Once we arrived, he refused to let me rest, playing loud music from his laptop, with the tv also up loud, then picked an argument to spoil yet another break. My exhaustion, silent rage that had been building up over time and had reached a crescendo on the five hour silent drive, and his ongoing cruelty pushed me to a place of no return. I exploded, screaming and cursing him with such a deep rage, I couldn't get the words out fast enough or viciously enough. Then I left to find another hotel room, the next morning driving us both back home in another excruciating silence. Whenever I describe this, I always feel angry with myself that I didn't get up and leave him there!
By then, I had already been plotting escape from him and this break was to be a final tester. I had bought a new phone with a fresh number, blocked him on social media and WhatsApp, and was determined to break free. When he tried to approach me again, showing up at my house as if nothing had happened, I shut him down and claimed to be in a new relationship. I have not spoken to him since that day.
The Complexities of Leaving
Breaking free from an abusive relationship with a narcissist is never as simple as walking away. The manipulation creates an emotional bond known as trauma bonding, where cycles of abuse and affection leave you feeling trapped. Physically, the stress of constant abuse impacts your brain, making it harder to think clearly or take decisive action. Emotionally, the shame of staying—and the hope that things might change—keeps many survivors tethered far longer than they wish to be.
Moving Forward
In this blog series, I’ll share how I began to heal, the tools that helped me reclaim my life, and the psychological theory behind narcissistic abuse. If you’ve experienced this, know that you’re not alone—and that healing is possible. You can break free from the cycle and rebuild a life filled with self-worth, peace, and hope.
If you believe you are experiencing narcissistic abuse, are trying to leave, or have already escaped such a relationship and need support, please reach out. I created Libera Mentis in Croydon to help men and women break free from the lasting effects of these relationships. Visit www.liberamentis.co.uk to learn more—let’s start your healing together.
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