I woke up one morning in the middle of the pandemic and thought, there is a reason I can no longer work. My thoughts continued: I need to do something that will bring me peace and help others. But I wasn’t sure what I could do. Then something popped into my head: You’ve always helped people with their problems, perhaps some kind of advocacy.
I spent the day looking into the types of work I could do. I had been running a nightclub for many years, but this had been soul-destroying for some time, and my mental health was deteriorating. Over the previous year, my prayers had changed. I began asking God for help, asking for strength to carry on through my fears and anxieties. I asked Him to help me see the club through one more year, so it would reach its third decade.
I even tried bargaining with Him: If you give me one more successful year in this club, I promise I will close it down and do something in service of mankind, something pleasing in your eyes. But all the while, pain and heartache were consuming me.
During that time, some rather unsavoury characters began standing outside the club, causing trouble. I was in a heightened state of anxiety every week, but pride kept me there. God was showing me that I needed to walk away, yet I prayed to keep going another year. On top of that, my soul felt destroyed from suddenly losing my mother. At the same time, I also lost the abusive partner to whom I had chained myself. His subsequent rage crushed my soul completely. I felt alone. I was lost. I was broken. Yet I continued to drag myself to that club where I was holding my breath, trying to get by, trying to hold on and praying for the help to do so.
I kept asking God for change and the strength to carry on, and suddenly 6 months after I had lost my mother, just like that, Covid arrived, taking all decisions out of my hands. The Government shut down all clubs. That first day of lockdown, when I didn’t have to go to work for the first time in decades, I took a deep, much-needed breath. I can never thank God enough for that breath alone.
Anxiety left me that day because it was all in His hands. There was nothing I could do. I was exhausted, though. Exhausted and hurting and sad. And so, feeling like a wounded deer, I took to my bed and lay there for months during the lockdown periods, praying every day, Lord, please heal me and show me the way. Show me what you want me to do and how you want me to live.
One morning, I woke up with a sudden thought: I want to be a counsellor. I don’t know where the thought came from, but the more I reflected on it, the surer I became that this was what I was being called to do. My whole life, even as a youngster, people came to me with their problems. I always tried to help, even when children wouldn’t talk to their parents or other adults—they’d come to me.
I knew this was something I could definitely do. So, I began researching and quickly realised that it wasn’t something I could just walk into. I wanted to learn how to do it properly, not just offer advice. I discovered I needed to start with a Level 3 course.
This epiphany came to me late in August, but most courses were starting in September and were already full. I would have to wait another year to begin the journey I wanted to start right away. I felt dejected but determined. Then, I came across a course with available space. I called the number, and the lady explained that they were starting in a couple of days and I could join. She took my details and promised to send all the information I needed.
But then I heard nothing. I tried calling back a number of times but nothing, no answer and no response. Oddly, I found that I didn’t care. I had heard her accent, and combined with her failure to send the necessary information, I judged her course as unprofessional. Pride and judgment crept in. Still, I continued searching for another course, but nothing came up.
In September, about three weeks later, I woke up and prayed, God, I really want to be a counsellor, but I’m not sure if this is Your will. If this is Your plan for me, please show me. I went on with my day.
Later that afternoon, around 4 p.m., while shopping in Lidl, my phone rang. It was the lady from the course I had found weeks earlier. She apologised profusely for having forgotten me and said that if I still wanted to join, I had only missed three weeks, which would be easy to catch up on. The next session was in two hours.
How great is God? I had asked Him in the morning, and I got my answer by evening! In that moment, remembering my talk with God that morning, I let go of pride and judgment, knowing God was directing me to take this course. I rushed to pay for my shopping, raced home, and clicked that link which I was happy to find, she had sent. That evening, I climbed the first rung on my journey to help others.
Yet, even in the first few weeks of that course, I had doubts. It was a counselling course with therapeutic arts as its basis, and I wasn’t an artist nor particularly liked art. Two or three times, I wanted to quit but I remembered that question to God and the very quick answer He had given. I didn’t want to do “childish things” or listen to “stupid” guided meditations. But I continued to pray, asking for discernment and strength.
Both were provided because I stayed on the course. I discovered that I loved art as a self-care aid, and I wasn’t too bad at it either! From that course, God gave me three gifts: clarity to see the road I needed to take; the ability to paint and appreciate art, which brings me peace whenever I need it. And it also trained me to use art to help those who have lost their voice or cannot find the right words or need a self-care tool.
God showed me the way whilst he forgave my sins of pride and judgment. He showed me that when He is closing a door, I must step back and let it close, for things only get worse until I do. Then He opened a new door and guided me to step through. Every day, I see the blessings He sends—not just for me, but for all of us if we are willing to open our eyes, reach out, and accept them.
Sometimes we have faith, but we don’t trust in that faith as we should. Sometimes we lose faith for many reasons, and there’s nothing wrong with that. But I want to share that God will forgive these lapses if you just reach out, no matter how far down the rabbit hole you’ve gone. Reach out, and let Him show you that He is indeed there.
Remember that He will help you in His way and His time. His help may not come in the way you expect or want, but it will be right for you.
And finally, remember: When the praises go up, the blessings come down.
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